… need to be scrapped ASAP.
Sorry about the wait. At least I didn’t rush it out like Gove, so hopefully won’t need 5 lists to get it right. (If someone knows a way to parse twitter names into links, please enlighten me, you’ll get a job in the cabinet as Minister for the Internets.)
Secretary of State for Business, Innovation & Skills, & Lord President of the Council – @red_nick Lord of Diggle in the County of Greater Manchester, and of Lenton & Radford in the County of Nottinghamshire
My own policies shall follow, in the following post.
Prime Minister – @hannahnicklin
School leaving at 18. Tests at 12 and 18 – a primary and secondary general certificate.
Secular education. No funding private or faith schools.
Higher education, training or apprenticeships for all after 18, fewer people at university.
Free school meals, incl breakfast, for low income families
Voting at 16, two politics lessons a week.
Investment in science, technology and green industries. Empirical decisions in policy making.
Renewed investment in the arts, but sharing funding large institutions (RSC/National) with tourism.
Disinvestment in pollutive industries.
Pre-emptive healthcare – i.e. vouchers for fruit and veg and cooking lessons available for families on low income. Free swimming for kids/elderly.
More nurse-led hospital depts.
Massively increase water fountains, tax on disposable plastic bottles.
10% emissions reduction by 2010, 40% by 2020, 60% by 2030, and 80% 2040
Ban domestic flights, no airport expansion
Funding council driven energy independent ‘green towns’
Limiting supermarket expansion
No trident renewal
Supportive withdrawal from Iraq and Afghanistan.
More foreign aid with a focus on women’s rights.
Equal paternity/maternity leave
Revision of asylum system.
Recognise rights of intersex, trans, non-identifying gender in law.
Pay revision of trad ‘male’ and ‘female’ jobs – i.e. binmen vs crèche worker.
Fund more rape crisis centres and connect with police.
Relax laws on protest
Revise working hours, provide free MP childcare, electronic voting.
MP dorms, means tested expenses.
Single transferable vote.
Respect my authoritah.
Deputy Prime Minster (Nick Clegg Memorial Prize for messing up at PMQs) – @Coliboo
Secretary of State for Foreign & Commonwealth – @HadleighRoberts
Exchequer – @novocastrianrob
Return to keynesian support in short-term, developing long-term solutions to develop the private sector & reduce gap btwn rich and poor.
Secretary of State for DEFRA & Lord Chancellor – @tscholesfogg
Secretary of State for Home Office – @nathage
Secretary of State for Justice – @cjmckeon
Secretary of State for Defence – @Nathan4791
Secretary of State for DWP – @skybluestacey
Secretary of State for Energy & Climate Change- @thedancingflea
I will ensure that the UK achieves its promised emissions reduction, and will guarantee security of supply. This will mean continued incentives and investment into renewables, clean coal and nuclear – in particular, our current provision of wind power will have to increase by at least 40 times. The other element is enhancing and nurturing environment for behavioural change – people have to want change, they can’t have it foisted upon them. I want to see more subsidies for public transport, funded by a carbon tax, with rebates where meaningful improvement is shown and best practice shared. We will work closely with all departments, but particularly DEFRA, to keep a closer eye on change in land use, and to ensure that supermarkets do not encourage food wastage in the way that they do now.
Secretary of State for Health – @tchee
Secretary of State for Education – @DanielCooper9
Abolish SATs at KS2 but keep them for KS3, break up the unwieldy Ofsted into several different quangos, remove independent schools charitable status and repeal the Education and Skills Acts raising of the compulsory schooling age while promoting increased vocational training.
Our government will oppose all selection in education including partially selective state schools and state schools that can select according to an ‘aptitude’ and oppose Tory plans for ‘free schools’.
Although not enthusiastic about city academies we will support inner city academy schools where they have been shown to raise standards.
I make my support for a graduate tax for the funding of higher education known and will resign from the cabinet if the University and Science Minister intends to price the poorest out of higher education.
Secretary of State for Local Affairs & Communities – @conn1231 Lord of Manchester in the County of Greater Manchester
Secretary of State for Transport – @rosiecosy
Secretary of State for International Development – @Labour_JSC10
As Sec of State for DfID, I would divert government money more to multilateral aid, phase out bilateral aid in most countries apart from some in Africa. Focus on small-scale long term development schemes which are affordable to both donor and recipient and which use local skills and resources instead of large projects which don’t really help or work.
Secretary of State forNI – @gedrobinson
Secretary of State for Scotland – (no-one wanted this so we may just abolish Scotland (or it may be taken over by BIS (Scotland that is, not the department)))
Secretary of State for Wales -@ jakemottas
- Further Devolution of Powers to bring Welsh Assembly in line with Scottish Parliament powers
- Centralisation of policy currently in Local Councils e.g. Housing to the Assembly. Commission to define specific powers to be centralised but focus on areas that can assist in bringing people out of poverty and Environmental policies
- Funding for a focussed taskforce to tackle unemployment in Wales poorest areas that have remained poor even in the previous decade. Target will be to halve unemployment in these areas and to increase the numbers of young people going onto Further Education
- Ownership of the Severn Bridges to come back in the Public Sector at the end of Laings tenure. Tolls to be reduced to £5 from £5.50 and all profit reinvested in Wales (e.g. will fund above)
Chief Treasury Secretary – @cllrtim
Lords’ Leader – @tomwilliamsisme
Secretary of State for Housing – @superjules84
Firstly, I am very relieved that the post of Housing Secretary has been restored to Cabinet. Its previous removal was the first significant housing-related act of the new Coalition Government and was sadly representative of its approach. The new Housing Benefit limits in the “Emergency Budget” are simply unworkable. Whilst there will be a review of whether benefit can be more effectively means-tested or tapered for those on relatively higher incomes, no action will be taken if this would increase social poverty. Also, a review of Affordable Social Housing targets, with priority given to ensuring that the North of England is well-served and not “the poor relation”, thus also relieving pressure on the South-East. With the economy still fragile, the affordable housing crisis means that we cannot afford for this issue to be cut or otherwise sidelined.
Secretary of State for Equalities – @CollectorManiac (Also Minister for eyyyyyy!)
As Secretary of State for Equalities I will fight for the equal rights of all people and aim to tackle the scapegoating of and discrimination against minority groups in our society.
Minister for Sport – @noelinho
Minister for Culture – @andyvglnt
Commons’ Leader – @Scarletstand
Commons’ Chief Whip – @SallyBercow
Minister for Universities & Science – @stopjump
Minister for Rebellion & Lords’ Chief Whip- @jamiepotter
As Secretary of State for Rebellion I will seek to instill the spirit of rebellion within the hearts and minds of every man, woman and child in the United Kingdom. Embracing the traditional British spirit for fairness and justice we shall collectively rediscover our passion for telling agitators to sod off. A new youth scheme known as Potter’s Partisans will be rolled out to inculcate adolescents with rousing choruses of NWA’s “Fuck tha Police” in squatted stately homes and free Refreshers bars expropriated from the kids off the posh estate. Bed time will be no later than 9pm. Hasta la victoria siempre!
Minister for Business & Enterprise – @asilbs2
Minister for Europe – @roryl
Minister for Immigration – @ByrneTofferings Lord of Segerston Heugh in the County of Durham (gets a free promotion after announcing to the Daily Mail that we’re having free immigration, and it was his decision)
Will inform the Daily Mail & Daily Express of the New Deal for Immigration: An Open Door Policy (entirely the Minister for Immigration’s own idea), on command of Secretary of State for Business, Innovation & Skills.
If there’s a free post you want to fill (or make up), feel free to contact me on twitter.
If you got a post, but failed to send me your policies, send me them soon. Otherwise you’ll be switched with @ByrneTofferings at the first reshuffle (whips/leaders etc. are exempt)…
Restarting my blog (seeing as I have nothing to do). Currently preparing my Twitter Cabinet, details to be announced tomorrow.
EDIT: We shall be redefining tomorrow to mean sometime next month
In response to @torybear‘s tweet:
“Telegraph has given Ellie Gellard the amazing title of ‘revoltingly precocious political hack of the week'”
@msgracefh wins Look Left’s first Tweet of the Month award with this:
Disclaimer: I only listened on the radio, so cannot give any comment on body language etc.
So Gordon, Clegg and Shiny Dave™ had a little debate today. It was rather dull, as expected. Most polling puts Clegg as coming out ahead with GB second and Shiny Dave™ third, as expected (although Sky’s polling seems to have been rather anomalous). Clegg made promises he doesn’t have to worry about keeping, as expected. I should have gone to Ladbrokes…
It’s a great shame that she didn’t make the front page of the Fail, and that the Diana Express & Rupert Murdoch’s Sun seemed to miss her all together, as these would really have added to this badge of honour. (Maybe we should commission a medal for this achievement. At the very least she deserves this T-shirt.) I hope that one day the right-wing rags leap to criticise me, like they have done for Ellie today.
In non-Ellie news: the Tories launched their manifesto today (<false_enthusiasm>OMG MP3 VERSION</false_enthusiasm>). Looks like they made it look boring to stop people from reading it, as then we might find their policies. Or not.
[To the Labour Party: If you need someone to check for things like video backgrounds clashing with TV cameras, I’m your man…]